How to Handle Workplace Disrespect
Workplace disrespect not only harms those being badly treated, but also causes negative workplace culture, financial and other impacts that effect the success of our organizations. For most forms of disrespect (i.e. being interrupted at a meeting, an inappropriate remark, a breach of a boundary, etc.), by taking fair and direct action, we not only stop the bad behaviour, but also lay the groundwork for rebuilding our work relationship.
Confront Disrespect When it Starts
We stand the best chance of stopping disrespect in its tracks if we take action quickly after the first time disrespectful behaviour occurs. By having a tactful, strong, and clear conversation, as early as possible after the initial act of disrespect, we stand the best chance of stopping the behaviour early and preventing escalation.
Where to Take Action
Conversations that address an act of disrespect are most effective if done under appropriate conditions, ideally in a private room with a face-to-face conversation and after a “cooling off” period.
When we are disrespected, our emotions will be running high both during and after the event. Thus, it’s best to engage after we’ve had time to settle our emotions and plan our response. Ideally, this is the same day or within the first twenty-four hours after the incident.
Speak face-to-face whenever possible
There is no replacement for a face-to-face interaction – single, short and direct conversations play a powerful role in quickly resolving the issue. Often, the matter will be resolved and people can move past the event.
If you can’t meet in person, the best approach is via a video conference or computer video meeting so that you can see each other’s faces and reactions. If a video conversation isn’t possible, the next best option is via the telephone. Hearing a colleague’s voice is better than no voice at all.
I strongly suggest that email be avoided. Without any personal engagement and with email being so easy to misinterpret, the results are rarely positive.
How to Take Action - Plan and Use an Effective Strategy
Carefully assess the situation to determine what to do and say. There are some useful guidelines for planning your response.
The best way to communicate with a disrespectful colleague is an approach that incorporates five components – I call this the “BIFFS Approach”:
Be Brief – Outline the problem without embellishment, grand detail, or emotion. Focus on the event of disrespect and your expectation that it never happen again.
Be Informative – State with clarity what happened, how it was disrespectful, and that you won’t tolerate the behavior. Stay away from describing your feelings and focus on the facts. Maintain a position of strength and emotional control.
Be Fair – Don’t ask for an unreasonable request or threaten bold action if you don’t get what you want. Remember, human make mistakes. Give the offender a chance to reply and listen. He may have a sincere reason for his behavior (i.e. he had a terrible day). He may apologize. However, if he goes into defense mode, quickly restate your concern and stand your ground. You may have to agree to disagree. State that, despite his defense, you expect the offensive behavior to stop.
Be Firm – Your colleague must understand that you won’t accept anything but a cessation of the disrespect. End the conversation by thanking him for meeting with you and that you look forward to moving past this regrettable event.
Silence and Email follow up – This is a short conversation – now show emotional maturity and give the other person a chance to improve. By staying silent, you place the responsibility for behavioral improvement squarely on your colleague’s shoulders. Be patient and, if you see an improvement, by all means, express appreciation for the positive change.
Always follow up with a sincere email thanking your colleague for meeting with you. More importantly, summarize the event, restating that you expect improved behavior. This email serves as a permanent record of the event. If there is another incident, you can refer back to this email and, with even stronger language, repeat the first conversation with all the same steps. You’ve also documented the event for your human resources department, supervisor, or your colleague’s supervisor should you need to seek their help.
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Each of us is responsible for taking an active role in participating in the movement to eliminate workplace disrespect. It won’t be easy or enjoyable but it is the right thing to do – for you, your coworkers, and your workplace. The best results in addressing disrespect are achieved when we directly and strategically engage, as early as possible, to resolve the problem. If we follow a process and stick to the goal, there is a good chance we’ll prevent further disrespect if we confront it right away.
Conclusion
Every person will, at one time or another, be faced with workplace disrespect. However, when it happens, we can be prepared to handle the challenges effectively. There are practical tools and strategies for quickly addressing the problem. It won’t be easy or enjoyable but it is the right thing to do for yourself, your colleagues and for your workplace.